Ben Bromley: Horror stories from the morgue

The morgue is no place to be these days. It’s just not safe, regardless of whether you’re dead or living.

Death is of course a bit of a buzzkill, but in South Carolina they’ve found there’s a fate worse than death: Postmortem dismemberment. (By the way, "Postmortem Dismemberment" would be an excellent name for a rock ‘n’ roll band.)

The South Carolina Board of Funeral Service closed a funeral home in Allendale and stripped the undertaker of his licence after a 6-foot, 7-inch man’s legs were cut off so the body would fit inside a coffin.

As if our nation’s tall people don’t face enough struggles already. Forget that airplane seats are designed for Oompa-Loompas, or that the only place to find a decent pair of 34-inch waist, 40-inch inseam jeans is at an outlet mall in Swaziland. Now tall people must suffer in death, too.

A worker used an electric saw on James Hines, 60, a preacher and musician, without the family’s permission, according to the Daily Mirror newspaper. The firm was closed, and the funeral director fined. The widow, Ann Hines, said the case made her feel as if her husband, who died in October 2004, "had died all over again."

The body was exhumed and a criminal investigation opened after police heard rumors about the case, with the coroner’s office confirming "undesirable evidence" had been found. Yeah, I would say it’s undesirable to find disembodied feet laying around. The widow said investigators told her that her late husband’s legs had been cut off between the ankle and calf, and his feet had been placed inside the casket.

Ann Hines told police that only the top half of the lid was open at the funeral. She had picked a standard-size coffin and nobody had suggested a bigger one. At his funeral, several people, including one of Hines’ five children, said the casket looked too small.

The lesson here? Always spring for the full-size model when choosing a casket. And also, when interviewing funeral homes, be wary if you see a bunch of Sawzalls laying around.

As tragic as his case was, the late Mr. Hines has nothing to complain about when compared to one 84-year-old Polish woman. She, too, found herself in a morgue. The problem was that she wasn’t dead.

International news agencies report that the woman woke up in a hospital morgue after being declared dead by a doctor. The error was noticed only when a morgue worker saw her body bag moving, police said. Turns out reports of her death had been greatly exaggerated.

Here’s a tip, Trapper John: If the body bag is moving, chances are you’ve got a live one.

Here’s what happened: The woman fell unconscious, prompting her husband to call an ambulance. A doctor from the emergency medical services pronounced her dead, a police spokesman said. Did this doctor attend medical school, or clown college?

When the worker noticed the body bag was moving, he called a doctor, who noted the woman’s vital functions had returned. The woman was taken to a hospital in a nearby town and placed in intensive care.

OK, so maybe the woman was technically dead for a while and then recovered miraculously. More likely, the EMS doctor found his medical degree inside a box of Cocoa Puffs.

The lesson here? If a doctor proclaims you dead, get a second opinion.

These are cautionary tales for those of us who remain alive, including those who have been zippered into plastic bags by the medical establishment. Just as tomorrow is promised to no one, there is no guarantee of dignity after death. Let us pray that the professionals caring for us will:

1) make sure we’re actually dead, and

2) leave our limbs intact.

And let us pray also that we don’t die in South Carolina.

 

Columnist Ben Bromley is Postmortem Dismemberment’s new frontman. Order tickets for the band’s upcoming tour at bbromley@capitalnewspapers.com