Dietitians say too much fast food can kill you. Taco Bell says its hot sauce can save your life.
For years consumer advocates have battled Big Fat, the fast-food chains that serve unhealthy meals. These meals tend to be delicious, a key indicator they’re no good for you.
But now, at least one chain can point to recent events as evidence supporting a premise that previously would’ve seemed crazy, positively Doritos Locos — fast food can prolong your life. How do we know this? Because Taco Bell hot sauce has saved two lives this month. Live mas.
Earlier this month an Oregon man trapped in his car for five days during a snowstorm survived by subsisting on Taco Bell hot sauce packets. Thanks to hot sauce and periodic blasts of warmth from his car’s heater, Jeremy Taylor and his dog Ally lived. There was no word on whether the dog was a Chihuahua. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
“Taco Bell fire sauce saves lives,” Taylor wrote on Facebook.
The chain took notice, giving Taylor free food for a year, with all the hot sauce he can stand. “We know our hot sauce packets are amazing, but this takes it to a whole new level,” Taco Bell said in a statement.
Could it be there’s magic in those packets, along with jalapeno peppers, sodium benzoate and xanthan gum?
Amazingly, this death-defying event has competition for Taco Bell hot sauce’s lifesaving outcome of the month. Last week in — where else? — Florida, a man was sitting down to a meal at a Taco Bell when he decided to get up and grab some more hot sauce. Seconds later, an elderly driver’s car crashed through the front of the restaurant, hitting the table where the hot sauce-starved customer had been sitting moments earlier.
The 77-year-old driver thought his vehicle was in reverse gear, but learned upon depressing the accelerator it was in drive. But never fear, hot sauce is here to save us all from blizzards and wayward vehicles.
This hardly was expected from the chain that recently introduced us to jalapeno-packed Rattlesnake Fries and — on a test basis — the Tripelupa, a three-in-one chalupa in a shell recommended by five out of five cardiologists currently accepting new patients.
Keep in mind that ordering such items can be hazardous to your health, especially if you order them to go and send a temperamental friend to carry out. Last week in Pennsylvania one man tried to kill another over Taco Bell carryout.
William Knepp, 57, called 911 in State College, confessing he tried to kill a guy who complained it was taking him too long to fetch a Taco Bell order. Knepp choked the man “because he was fed up and pushed over the edge” due to the other man’s complaining. The victim, who displayed marks on his neck, confirmed the turn of events. If only he’d had some hot sauce handy to squirt into his attacker’s eyes.
Consumers have long known enjoying the fatty pleasures of fast food can result in a slow death. But suddenly customers’ battles for survival have become more immediate. These days, patronizing Taco Bell is a matter of life and near-death.
My advice? Tread carefully, whether you encounter a blizzard or a tardy delivery man or a car crashing through the wall of a restaurant. And whatever you do, make sure you have plenty of hot sauce.