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LANDERS COLUMN: Dells fireworks’ a dud
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LANDERS COLUMN: Dells fireworks’ a dud

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There was a time that the downtown Dells fireworks was the best show around. The downtown would fill up with families and spectators to watch a great show. To say the downtown Dells fireworks show is now lame is an understatement. Last year, the whole thing was over in what seemed like 12 minutes. “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” lasted longer than the show.

Two kids down the block with a lighter and $40 worth of illegal fireworks put on a better show than the city did last year. Our fireworks were so boring and mundane that I thought it was sponsored by a local knitting club. Come on, this is the Dells. We can’t have a wimpy show any longer, we need to call in someone who will right this sinking ship.

Before we get to my suggested fireworks savior, we have to acknowledge the effort to provide a proper fireworks show by Mount Olympus. Mount Olympus has a fireworks show with enough explosions and rockets that puts the Revolutionary War to shame. I congratulate them for celebrating freedom the way they do, even if it means giving up your first born to park your car in their lot.

In order to show up Mount Olympus, the Dells first has to recognize that any decent show doesn’t start with a licensed pyrotechnician. Those people need to be Occupational Safety and Health Administration compliant and follow safety and fire codes, which takes all the fun out of it. The show I envision calls for a person with a special set of skills. The show I envision needs a man who never heard of a government regulation he couldn’t get around. The show I envision needs a guy who works more deals than Easton Motors and Donald Trump combined. If you want a fireworks show to end all fireworks shows, you need to contact my buddy, the infamous “Johnny Morocco.”

Morocco knows people, and those people know people. Some of these people are Polish guys from Chicago in unmarked white rental trucks whose job it is to find things you want. These are the people you need if you want something done. The Dells should ask him to run the fireworks show, but don’t ask him anything else please.

Morocco would not only use his Chicago contacts, but he would get help from his overseas friends too, which means the show will go nuclear. Our fireworks show would be seen as far as Beloit. It would last longer than a Minnesota driver sitting in the fast lane on the interstate. That’s the type of show I am talking about.

Morocco’s show would involve not only fireworks, but some F-35 flyovers and parachuting supermodels to even get the Madison liberals riled up. There would be so much heat emanating from Veteran’s Park that we would lose at least three more shelfs off the polar ice caps. I guarantee that not only would it be the best damn fireworks show the Dells ever had, but it would melt the paint off of the Lamborghini parked at Mount Olympus.

This is America, and someone needs to demand we restore the celebration of the time we kicked Britain’s butt. Seriously, the royal family still makes headlines here and that is because we have lost our sense of patriotism. To help restore our American swagger, we need a fireworks show that would make Smokey the Bear spontaneously combust. Morocco can get stuff like this done, and it would take a simple phone call for him to put it in motion.

We have to stop farting around and make the Dells show something to be proud of again. Oxford has a better show for crying out loud.…Oxford. That would be like Kenny G. showing up Metallica in concert. That is just not supposed to happen. I want a show that I can get a sunburn from at 11 p.m. and make my ears bleed. Anything less in unacceptable.

I hope our Dells leaders and business folks give Morocco a call and get us back on track for celebrating independence with something stupendous, even if it violates the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty. There is only one man for the job and don’t ask questions, deniability is important here for the pending litigation. As Thomas Paine once said, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger”….never mind, that was from “Pulp Fiction.” But still, get a better fireworks show already and God bless America.

Brian Landers, a former Wisconsin Dells mayor, writes a weekly column for Capital Newspapers. Reach him at brianlanders@charter.net.

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