I love Automotion! Those three words are hardly heard anymore by any resident of the Dells-Delton area. There is a growing cry from our locals to get rid of the event due to the traffic, crime, and strain it places on our community. Therefore, I need to save Automotion from becoming the next Flakeout Fest or Balloon Rally. In order to do so, I have created some public service announcements to our pending weekend visitors in order to save Automotion.
First, I have to address the redneck issue. I once had a guy threaten me for referring to “his people” as rednecks. Apparently, the word redneck is offensive to rednecks. So, I looked up the definition of redneck to make sure I was using it appropriately:
“Redneck, a noun; from the Latin reddius neckus; def: A person who drives around in a muddin’ truck with large tires, diesel exhaust, and a Confederate flag zip tied to their roll bars. Usually identified by their mullets, cut off t-shirts, and affinity for chewing tobacco and beef jerky.”
Ok, so I am using that term correctly. My first PSA:
1. Attention Rednecks: If you are a redneck and are reading this column, or more likely having someone read this column to you, please avoid the Wisconsin Dells area this weekend. Consider spending your time elsewhere this weekend like at a Toby Keith concert, take your cousin to the tractor pull, or stay home and give your three-legged pitbull a bath. And don’t be offended by the term redneck, I mean that in the most affectionate way possible.
Next, we need to address those foreign car owners who turn them into ugly, low-riding, whinny-noise-making nuisances on wheels. PSA for these people:
2. Attention unemployed people with those stupid-looking Subarus, Mazdas and Toyotas, avoid the Wisconsin Dells area this weekend. You are driving a 4-cylinder car with an iridescent paint job and an after-market spoiler that probably used to transport a middle-aged man to a boring job somewhere. Your car is only embarrassing you. Spend your money on more important things like college tuition or a real car. You will thank me later.
Of course, Automotion is all about bravado. Nothing screams trying to display lost bravado than those guys past the age of 35 who drive around in Cameros, Mustangs, and Corvettes trying to relive their lost youth.
3. Attention males over 35 wearing their class rings and driving Camero’s, Mustangs, and Corvette’s. You too are only embarrassing yourself. There is a stigma about guys in sports cars at your age, don’t be that guy. Get out and walk, or let your wife or sister drive. And for goodness sake, please lay off the cologne too, you are pealing the new paint off of Mount Olympus’ housing units.
As a former officer of this great community, I know that many problems of Automotion aren’t the people behind the wheels of the cars, but those people that stand in empty lots or in motel lots on the strip and stir up trouble. I have an extra special PSA for them:
4. Attention parking lot hooligans. Yes, you, the one with the Great White t-shirt and jorts screaming profanities at our local cops and begging to be tasered. Your life actually consists of you finding entertainment by standing on asphalt asking complete strangers to spin their tires for you on a car you could never afford. You could have made something of yourself. You could have helped build homes for the homeless, cured a disease, or been fire chief. You maybe even could have been a great jorts designer. Who are we kidding though? Two things in life await you, a hangover and breakfast at Sauk County Jail. But come back again next year, ok?
So there you have it, some PSA’s to help clean up all that threatens Automotion. Yet Automotion is awesome and I encourage my fellow Dells-Delton residents to embrace all that it has to offer before we lose it like festivals of old. The joy of the true classic cars, the rumble of a V-8, and a grand announcement that summer in the Dells has returned. Car show weekend isn’t as bad as some make it out to be. Sure, we will have a few of those who don’t know how to behave. And yes, traffic will be a nightmare. But we need to look past that for it’s what the Dells is all about: summer, fun, excitement and craziness. This isn’t Door County where they put cherries on display, it’s the Dells where we put hotrods and Harleys on display. And please remember, when you see our police officers, firefighters, and paramedics out this weekend, be sure to give them an extra wave or thank you. They drive the coolest vehicles of them all.